The Six Billion Opening Gambit

Greetings DOATSPers, it is I, the Golden Lobster, accomplice extraordinaire. Whilst DOATSP was off taking out a full mining fleet plus Orca support (I’m sure a post is soon incoming..) I took the reigns on a scam that went better than could possibly be anticipated.

As promised yesterday, this post is a little above the usual 500m + give me your assets scam, in that we managed to rob the poor blighter for just over 6bil. Indeed, this post is a perfect working example of what applying the methods in Anatomy of a scam can yield you.

For this scam you will need:
– An idiot
– His money
– Any wonky plan / story / scheme you can think of. The ability to adapt it on the fly for said idiot
– A wallet to receive ISK
– The ability to interpret complete gibberish

The plan started when we found a guy looking to “learn nullsec” – as per how these things go, our alt corp suddenly developed the profile of a null PVP corp, looking to setup operations in the immediate future. Weird how that suddenly happens. Key to this is to pad out the corp with a load of alts. Anything less than 15ish members and you will rarely get bites. 20members with a plan looks like a valid startup.
We knew we’d found our man when 6 or 7 out of every 10 words looked like 8 fingers had fought over where to press on the keyboard.


First thing to do, was to get his full API. This is immensely useful for two reasons:
1) You can gauge your scams perfectly; you know what he has
2) You get comedy side effects (read on)

We will call him Thom for short. The guy had 5bil and change (looked like he has recently took the Mastercard route to riches on a PLEX multipack deal) and a handful of assets. The only thing easier to part than a fool and his money, is a fool and money he couldn’t have earned legitimately. From his API, it looked like he was running level 1 & 2 missions in a Vindicator.

Oh, boy.

He started telling us all about his life (yawn) and some other irrelevant tidbits, a couple of which we ended up using against him. Such as his dislike of the goons:

Thom > and i cant fin a wolf near me thats less the 20 mil lol XD its a bitch because of goons attacking jita

So he doesn’t like the goons because .. his Wolf costs money? Who cares, it’s something to use.

We tell him about our supercap fleet, and how we like to use it against the Goons. We tell him about how you can even solo in supercaps, and we’ll teach him how. We buttered the story with some fake killmails. We tell him how we use them in our WH for defence, and to make “nearly a billion an hour running sites.”


Looks legit

He really, really wants in on this now. He’s salivating. We even offer him cheap offers on a Wyvern. As I have learned in the past, it’s great to gauge the amount the hook is in and then keep twisting it. Don’t aim for a billion ISK if you can make up more and more reasons why you need 2bil, etc.

We recruit him, he joins corp. He gives me his Vindicator, and some other stuff he has lying around. One of them is a skillbook worth 500mil. He’s 45minutes from being able to inject it, but he includes it in the contract anyway. Risk management 101 there.

We tell him we’re moving his junk to VFK (where else, right?) and he should take a ship over there. We scouted it 2minutes ago and the route is clear. His API shows his 15mil SP is sitting in an alpha clone. Oops.

Thom > FUck fuck fuck fonnn oh nooooo

Yeah, sorry dude. Seems like there was a camp there. Level 5 skill down.

We recommend a Drake, and that he tries again. This time we will sit on the gate and watch it for him.

10 minutes later and he is in a Drake heading to EC-P. He is still in an alpha clone. We give him deliberately vague instructions, he doesn’t ask anything else.

Thom > fuckging mothing fucks my Drake there are lots of hips hers and they got me again

Oh, Thom. You took the wrong gate. We said the OTHER one was clear.

This is where it becomes apparent I can go for the complete home run in one go. Can I pull 6bil from the guy, based on nothing other than some social engineering?

Me > So, right. You’re angry at them I assume … do you want them to die?
Thom > yes fuckerst they are many its not even fari
Me >  OK, so how many are there there? Be very specific … this is important
Thom  > Like 20 in small ships

This is the point where the stupidest scam ever comes to my mind. I ask him to fit a Cyno, and go back in. He’s going to light a cyno for our “supercap fleet” to go and take these guys from behind. Revenge, a dish best served fictitiously.

He’s very excited about this. His expert opinion on our chances are

im thinking its not posibul but not inposibual

So, that’s clear then.

He jumps in, lights the cyno, and dies in record time. Meanwhile, DOATSP and I are giving a wonderful acting experience on comms, acting out our hotdrop.

But oh no, what is this? There aren’t “20 small ships” at all, but a whole fleet here. Obviously our imaginary Nyx / Erebus gang is in big trouble, taking on a huge fleet solo. We rage at Thom for leading us into a trap and giving us “fake intel”.

We eventually escape, and dock our supercaps (lol) and BY CRIMINY look at that station repair bill. 3bil on the Erebus, and 2bil on the Nyx. 5bil of damage done.

We rage at Thom, and moan bitterly about his terrible intel. We say he owes us the repair bill on the s-caps. He will only get his Vindicator / skills back if he pays up. A little while of coaxing later, and my wallet pings. It’s 5billion ISK, the note says “for repairs.”

I pull his API, and he now has 800mil and change left.

We make nicey nice to him, and talk about moving into a WH.

Oh, but … what is this? DOATSP returns and low and behold .. we managed to steal a Wyvern from the Goons.

I wonder if Thom would want a very reduced price Wyvern, stolen from the Goons. 800mil ought to be a good mates-rates, right?

Thom > wow thats strang i happen to have 800 mil left overe
Me > wow, lucky!
Thom > yea i know

This is the “extra lols” you can have with an API.

My wallet blinks, 800mil has arrived

Thom > lol there you go they only guy how cant fly a sc and yet he owns one lol lmao

Yes, Thom, you now own a Wyvern. In a wormhole.

Here’s what my alt’s wallet looked like after this happened:

ImageNot a bad couple of hours work, all in all

Coming up soon from me, we tell you how to make Fatal Ascension sing the YMCA to save a carebear’s Noctis.


15 thoughts on “The Six Billion Opening Gambit

  1. AntiHoy says:

    Dear god where do you find retards like this? 😦

  2. Anonymous says:

    I have to say, it’s not my play style but I absolutely adore the execution on that one. Deep respect. You taught the guy an awesome lesson in EVE.

  3. Anonymous says:

    “The only thing easier to part than a fool and his money, is a fool and money he couldn’t have earned legitimately.”

    Yes legitimately…

  4. Oh man. That’s fantastic.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I’m an indy player myself, I manufacture stuff and earn my isk in Eve ‘legitimately’ not scamming people, no pirating, no suicide ganking.. but GOD I love reading these stories. Darwinism for the win!

  6. Maskman says:

    That’s what, 12 PLEX? Plus the lost hulls. AND the lost SP! (which I would think should hurt the worst)

    Utterly brilliant.

  7. Anonymous says:

    p.s. thanks for the 150m kill

  8. Ghost Rider says:

    Fool him once shame on you, fool him twice, shame on him.
    The shame on you still applies, and your pride and arrogance will last only a short lifetime, then, assuming you continue in your ways, you will be on the other side of this scenario in eternal torment. Fear the LORD!

  9. Trinkets friend says:

    What is that module you fit to your midslots? Brain Scanner II? “Its showing his skull empty, cap’n.”

  10. Ghost Rider says:

    Of course you jest, this act is not your problem. We all deserve hell no matter what our actions, but those who trust in the LORD, and by so trusting – walk in the spirit & not in the flesh are redeemed and will escape hell by the grace of god not by your works. Feed your spirit not your flesh.

  11. Searsy says:

    Fucking loves it nicely done

  12. El Man says:

    Thanks for the good laugh I had reading this! Hilarious! Nice work.

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